Holding myself accountable when Weight & Anxiety hold me back

This is a post that I’ve mulled over for a while now. I like to keep the blog upbeat but sometimes, I just need to get things out. So since this is my space.. here goes! Over the past year and a half, I have become lax and lazy about my fitness. Instead of going to Jazzercise three times a week… I have went sporadically at best and not at all in the last few months. My weight has suffered. After maintaining my almost ideal weight of around 148 pounds for the years I have been jazzercising, my weight has steadily increased and I am now heavier than I have ever been (besides my pregnancies) at 163 pounds. I am about 15 pounds away from my last pregnancy weight almost 13 years ago.

Why? Somewhere along the way I have lost my motivation and drive. I’m not sure what happened but I do know that this has to change. I cannot and will not become any larger than I am right now. I am so unhappy at this weight. You might not think that a 15 pound weight gain in a year and a half is anything to worry about but you don’t know my body. At 163 pounds, I am sluggish and bloated and feel like crap. All of my weight gain is in my midsection, butt and thighs. I am like a giant bloated pear who cannot fit into her clothes anymore. Last winter, I actually had to go to the store and buy BIGGER clothes. I cried.

There is no one but myself to blame for this weight gain. Besides my weight, I struggle daily with some pretty nasty anxiety. Social anxiety is the worst. I am always worried about what seem to be silly things to everyone else. I have a constant fear that something is going to go terribly wrong when I am out of the house and it gnaws away at me. I just don’t fit. The weight and the anxiety may be two separate issues but I feel like they are intertwined. When I was regularly exercising and allowing myself to just enjoy it, I had less anxiety. I smiled more and I actually felt good about my body and was starting to feel good about myself. Then the anxiety started creeping back in and I went to class less and less. It has been to the point where I didn’t even go out of the house for several weeks at a time. I can’t let that be me.

While I can’t seem to get myself back to Jazzercise, for the time being. I have started going to the school with a friend. The school allows people in the community to use their exercise equipment in the evening, after 6pm. I think I have went a total of 7 times so far and I can already feel it becoming part of my routine. I enjoy using the elliptical and I hate the treadmill. The first day I burned 301 calories in 44 minutes on the treadmill. The next — 370 in 50 minutes. It isn’t a ton but I like seeing the numbers. I like taking my cellphone and just zoning out while I run/walk/think. 

So, I am going to try this new thing. Maybe I’ll get back to Jazzercise, maybe I won’t — no matter what I end up doing, I know I need to hold myself accountable. I must have willpower and I must take care of me. Anxiety must be pushed back so that I can let myself breathe. I know it’s late in the game for new year resolutions, but this is as close as I get to making them. I am hoping to stay on track by keeping track of the days I workout. Hopefully I will increase those 2 to 3 days to 4 or 5 days a week.  Once it gets warmer out and my road doesn’t try to suck me into the mud, I will start walking/running outside as well. It would be nice if I could get my daughter to walk with me on those days.

I CAN do this and I will!


About the Author

Henrietta Newman is a self-loving empty-nester into smudging, nature, yoga, fitness, healthy living, hunting, camping, hiking, tech, video games, gadgets, recipes, reviews and more.
With a love for the outdoors and visiting local attractions in and around NW PA and Lake Erie, you never know what you'll find in my nest! Subscribe to A Hen's Nest so you don't miss the fun!



  1. 2

    I can totally relate. The time I broke down was when I sat down and most of my skirt rode up and got bunched around my waist. I felt so fat. Buying bigger clothes was a hard decision but it made me feel better about myself until I could get that extra weight off. I still need to find motivation to get another 20 lbs off until then, I’m going to keep positive like you. I’ve been seeing your posts/tweets about working out – so proud of you that you’ve kept it off thus far!

    • 3

      Thanks TerriAnn! I didn’t want to keep posting my updates and photos every single time I work out in case it annoyed people! So far so good, I hope to keep it up as well. I don’t like this feeling of not being me (if that makes sense)because of my weight gain. Good Luck on your journey as well, I know you can do it!

  2. 4

    I know exactly where you are coming from, except that I have gained 15 pounds in 3 months. My psychiatrist even said something to me about it this week. Mine is stress eating. I need to find something else to do other than eat when I get stressed out.
    I know you can do this. If you are not going to jazzercize, how about dancing at home or doing a workout DVD in the living room?

    • 5

      Oh Karen, stress can absolutely do it! I know I tend to gravitate towards food when I’m stressed out as well. It can be hard to get motivated to do anything when you’re stressed or depressed like I can get. Thank you so much for the encouragement! I do like to do home work outs, if only the hubby would get out of the house long enough for me to have some alone time, lol! Once summer comes around, I know getting out and about will help as well.

  3. 6

    Thanks for sharing your heart. I so totally understand. This is exactly what I’ve been struggling with the last couple of years. I myself keep making excuses to myself for not working out and decided it’s time to do something about my weight, but life just keeps getting in the way. KWIM? I am eating healthier but I am still struggling with my weight. I wish we had a a place to work out in my community but our town is so small we don’t even have a community center. I do take walks outside, but what I really want is a treadmill so I’m trying to save up for one now, since I can’t always leave the house because I help my daughter with her baby while she’s in school. Hang in there. I know you can do it.

  4. 7

    I totally get it- I have major anxiety {especially social} as well. &I have no idea if mine gets better with exercise because I just, don’t exercise- I’m too nervous to walk around my house {I live in a nice area, it’s just my anxiety} & too nervous to work out in front of people at a gym. So, I’m stuck- due to my anxiety, I can’t go to the gym to exercise to get rid of my anxiety.

    I hope you do better than me & start feeling better again soon!!

  5. 8

    You can do it as long as you’re committed. My weight was up and down for my whole life and finally I just had enough and decided to lose the weight once and for all. It was a Loooooong process, but it paid off and I’m currently at my goal weight. I do “cheat” on my healthy eating sometimes, but I know automatically that I am going to have to workout extra to account for it. It’s just a matter of finding what works for you and sticking to it. For me it was zumba.

  6. 9

    You can do this! I know how you feel. When I went for my flu shot in Dec and they told me almost 170, I wanted to hide. Many say that is nothing but for me who is used to 140-145 it is a lot. I’m 3 lbs from 145 yay! Keep going mama, you’ll do it and feel full of energy again!

  7. 10

    I’m one of those moms who gains 50 lbs. when she’s expecting. All four of them…fifty pounds. And they were all healthy, beautiful babies. With the first two I was young and the weight fell right off. With the last two…not so young and it didn’t. It was hard to buckle down and get the weight off, but if you don’t feel good w/it (and I didn’t) it’s got to go. :)

    Totally cheering you on from my house!!

  8. 11

    I think I have the ideal body weight considering my age and height and god genes or what I don’t even put on weight that easily.. but I still hate myself when I don’t exercise (which has been the case for the past three months!).. Working out lifts your mood and makes you feel about yourself apart from making you lose weight.. and I totally feel depressed and out of sync when i don’t exercise. I’m glad you are back to doing it!

  9. 12

    I think most of us who are middle aged (so to speak) can probably relate! The important thing is that you are back on the right track again! When it comes to dieting and fitness, it’s hard not to lose your way sometimes. Unless you are some kind of machine. I find it helpful when I begin to see myself veering off course in anything with my personal life from health and fitness to my mental states and well being to make it a point to take at least a few hours if not an entire day to myself and regroup!

  10. 13
    astonblake says

    Really glad to hear you are back into your track.
    Actually it is quite difficult to maintain your normal life routine when you are in stretch condition.I know anxiety and weight loss is totally different issues.But it is true and i saw from my practical experience, when i anxiety hold me i can’t maintain my normal routine life as well as fail to maintain my food habit (diet chart). On that time my BMI (Body Mass Index) is going to out of my control.
    So if you achieve perfect BMI you should be happy in your entire life.
    Best of luck.


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