This is a post that I’ve mulled over for a while now. I like to keep the blog upbeat but sometimes, I just need to get things out. So since this is my space.. here goes! Over the past year and a half, I have become lax and lazy about my fitness. Instead of going to Jazzercise three times a week… I have went sporadically at best and not at all in the last few months. My weight has suffered. After maintaining my almost ideal weight of around 148 pounds for the years I have been jazzercising, my weight has steadily increased and I am now heavier than I have ever been (besides my pregnancies) at 163 pounds. I am about 15 pounds away from my last pregnancy weight almost 13 years ago.
Why? Somewhere along the way I have lost my motivation and drive. I’m not sure what happened but I do know that this has to change. I cannot and will not become any larger than I am right now. I am so unhappy at this weight. You might not think that a 15 pound weight gain in a year and a half is anything to worry about but you don’t know my body. At 163 pounds, I am sluggish and bloated and feel like crap. All of my weight gain is in my midsection, butt and thighs. I am like a giant bloated pear who cannot fit into her clothes anymore. Last winter, I actually had to go to the store and buy BIGGER clothes. I cried.
There is no one but myself to blame for this weight gain. Besides my weight, I struggle daily with some pretty nasty anxiety. Social anxiety is the worst. I am always worried about what seem to be silly things to everyone else. I have a constant fear that something is going to go terribly wrong when I am out of the house and it gnaws away at me. I just don’t fit. The weight and the anxiety may be two separate issues but I feel like they are intertwined. When I was regularly exercising and allowing myself to just enjoy it, I had less anxiety. I smiled more and I actually felt good about my body and was starting to feel good about myself. Then the anxiety started creeping back in and I went to class less and less. It has been to the point where I didn’t even go out of the house for several weeks at a time. I can’t let that be me.
While I can’t seem to get myself back to Jazzercise, for the time being. I have started going to the school with a friend. The school allows people in the community to use their exercise equipment in the evening, after 6pm. I think I have went a total of 7 times so far and I can already feel it becoming part of my routine. I enjoy using the elliptical and I hate the treadmill. The first day I burned 301 calories in 44 minutes on the treadmill. The next — 370 in 50 minutes. It isn’t a ton but I like seeing the numbers. I like taking my cellphone and just zoning out while I run/walk/think.
So, I am going to try this new thing. Maybe I’ll get back to Jazzercise, maybe I won’t — no matter what I end up doing, I know I need to hold myself accountable. I must have willpower and I must take care of me. Anxiety must be pushed back so that I can let myself breathe. I know it’s late in the game for new year resolutions, but this is as close as I get to making them. I am hoping to stay on track by keeping track of the days I workout. Hopefully I will increase those 2 to 3 days to 4 or 5 days a week. Once it gets warmer out and my road doesn’t try to suck me into the mud, I will start walking/running outside as well. It would be nice if I could get my daughter to walk with me on those days.
I CAN do this and I will!