I have zero motivation.
Life at the moment is boring, uneventful. Yet, there are still times when I do miraculously think of a topic to sit down and write about. I ready myself, excited to let the words flow out of me and to be able to create a sentence, a paragraph — a story where there was once blankness. As I get comfortable, reaching out my my fingers to touch the keyboard… doubt.
“No one will care about my ramblings”, I think to myself.
My fingers curl inward toward my palms, thoughts start to trail off, ideas slowly crumble. No one will want to have anything to do with reading the mundane and trivial thoughts roaming around inside my head.
My body slumps backwards as my arms drop to my side. My brain switches itself off, like a light bulb whose filament has burnt out. I am defeated by my own lack of confidence. By my own thoughts of inadequacy. I will fail, my inner voice says. I am
Not. Good. Enough.
Why? Are my thoughts not good enough to be written out, typed onto this computer screen? Who Cares? Just what exactly is that I am Not Good Enough for? My own blog? That’s ridiculous. This is my blog, my space. It is supposed to be a reflection of me, who I am, who I want to be — or strive to be — or imagine myself to be. Instead every thought is just Not. Good. Enough. My space has become stagnant.
My writing has evolved into an unemotional and detached humdrum about nothing that is important to me. I used to write for myself, without caring who would read, or even if anyone ever would. I wrote about life. Is this total and complete lack of motivation a reflection of my current state of being? Perhaps.
Not. Good. Enough.
Why should everything I write have a purpose behind it, why should I feel like I can’t let my feelings out into my own space, no matter how silly or ignorant or purposeless. Who — what, am I not good enough for? Why have I never been good enough?
As a writer? …Not Good Enough.
As a scholar? ….Not Good Enough.
Finding Success? …Not Good Enough.
Being worthy? …Not Good Enough.
As a mother? A wife? A friend? A daughter?