I miss you when you’re gone – nine years

Nine years. Nine years since life changed. Nine years since Dad left us. Can it really be that long? I can almost close my eyes and remember the joy he had in his grandchildren. I can {almost} hear his voice, his chuckle… his laugh. 

Can anyone ever really understand how much they rely and depend on someone? I know I didn’t realize it until he was no longer there. Until he was gone. Isn’t that the way of things! Dad seemed to know just about everything and anything! In fact, I’m sure he DID know it all! Wouldn’t he be pleased to hear that now, after all those times I slammed the door or ran to my room screaming about how much he DIDN’T know. Of course, that’s something you don’t want to admit about your parent until you’re a grown up yourself . Sometimes the realizing comes a little too late. I do know that there was no question that Dad was always there for me, even when I wasn’t. Dad’s love was unconditional. It was wonderful knowing that if I needed anything or wanted to know how to do something, Dad would surely know what to say. 

Dad was also an inspiration. He spent most of his life with some illness or anther; cancer — diabetes, but he never seemed to let it get him down. He was always on the go, always doing something — planning something, and most of the time I was going with him. Let me tell you, my Dad was a TALKER! I have many memories of many places where dad would just talk and talk and talk and I would wait and wait and wait! lol.

I would give anything to be waiting in the back of a van for my Dad to stop talking so we could go home. I’d give anything to hear the phone ring and have his voice on the other end. I’d even sit through an entire two hour phone conversation that revolved around the Chuck Norris or Charles Bronson movie he was watching — while he described every kick ass fight  to me. I wouldn’t complain about it, I’d sit there forever and listen… if only I could.

It’s been nine years since I held my Dad’s hand and told him I loved him. Told him how much I loved him and how much I wished he could stay with us. Told him I understood if he had to go but didn’t like it at all. Nine years of watching my children grow without him here, hoping he was watching over them and seeing them anyway.

Nine years of missing my best friend. Missing someone who always understood, always listened, always hoped. I still can’t believe he isn’t here, isn’t a part of our lives, isn’t… He just isn’t here, and I miss him so.